2 ~ Holiday Herpes

When Charlie stepped into the dining room, she was struck dumb. 

There was stuff literally everywhere in here.  Chairs held piles of t-shirts, plastic bags from half a dozen stores, stacks of fabric, and things she couldn’t claim to recognize.  The maple table was covered from one end to the other with thread, hot glue sticks, flowers, sparkly trinkets, glitter glue, cut out patterns, stickers, string, wire and every other item that a craft store would stock.  There were even three portable cabinets along one side, with more… junk spilling out the half-opened drawers. 

And everything had just a hint of sparkle to it.

“My God, Lilah.”

“I know,” she sighed and self-consciously began rewinding spools of glittered ribbon, spraying the area with metallic fairy dust in the process.  “Tony says the same thing every time he looks in here and follows it with hateful mumblin’.  ‘Holiday herpes’ comes across loud and clear though.  It’s become his pet name for glitter since developin’ the opinion that glitter is more tenacious than any venereal disease known to man.”

It only took one glance at this place for Charlie to fully support that point of view.  There would be glitter in this carpet for the next fifty years.  

“Why don’t I remember this level of… Christmas festivity from last year?”

“That’s my darlin’ husband’s fault, and he’s kickin’ himself in the ass over it.”  Lilah’s lopsided grin was completely unabashed when assuring, “I love him to the moon and back.  You know I do, but he got some damn fool notion in his head that Christmas is too retail oriented.  Fine.  I’m all about dialin’ it back, but Tony wasn’t happy with just that.  He decided we were goin’ back to the friggin’ pioneer days and givin’ homemade gifts.”

“Uh.  I don’t mean to be contentious, but isn’t he a tech geek to the core?”

“Right??”  She swept bags off the one chair and gestured for Charlie to have a seat.  “Turns out his idea of homemade and mine are just a little different.  He’s plannin’ on personalized videos and the like, which is lovely for the adults.  The kids… not so much.  If it doesn’t have a Disney princess in it, Micah Jane isn’t gonna sit still for three seconds, so here I am.  Makin’ doodads and whatnots.  I’ve got my eye out for a big box to decorate as a playhouse, so if you happen to see one, let me know.”

“Sure, but… you’re literally making all the gifts?”

“Yep, but don’t worry.  We didn’t get your name in the gift drawin’ this year.  You’re safe from sugar scrub and beribboned glass blocks stuffed with lights,” came the reassurance as the bags were tossed onto a pile of them stacked in the corner.  “The preschool, piano and dance teachers are gettin’ either cookie or soup mixes in decorated jars, but I’m still not quite sure what little hands are gonna make for the grandparents.”

Sliding into the chair as Lilah took another, Charlie opened her mouth and then closed it again.  “I have no words for that.  You deserve woman of the year for this Martha Stewart routine, and if Tony doesn’t come up with the best damn gift in the history of gifts….  Well, I’ll shoot him myself.”

Biting her lip through a sparkly-eyed grin, Lilah confessed, “I’m actually gonna have two gifts for him.  Which he gets depends on what I get.”

“Oh yeah?”  That was interesting.  Charlie had always thought Lilah was pretty deferential to her husband, but apparently she was ready to fight fire with fire.  “So if he does good…?”

“He gets a custom-made, glitter-free cover for his Harley.”

“And if he’s a typical man and gives you a stepladder?”

“Then he gets…”  She scrambled around amongst the mess on the table until triumphantly holding up a square about the size of her palm.  “This.”

Charlie obviously had no idea what “this” was, seeing as it was encased in a white gift box that would hold a bracelet.  Even when the lid came off and the box was passed into her hand, she was left staring at it without comprehension. 

At first, she thought the shiny content was a bracelet – until she realized it was too small for anyone’s wrist.  The perfectly round ring was about two inches in diameter and reminded her of a rubber washer or gasket, only it wasn’t flat.  It was more tube shaped, and completely encrusted with red and green glitter.

There was only one thing she’d ever seen that looked similar and…

Surely not.  No.  She didn’t.  Really?!

Lifting wide eyes to the woman who was smirking hard enough to cramp her jaw, Charlie marveled, “Oh sweet Jesus.  Is this what I think it is?”

“Only if you think it’s a glittered cock ring.”

She’d never before heard herself snort the way she snorted in that moment and slapped a hand over her mouth to contain the giggles that were determined to follow.  It was mission accomplished for about five seconds, but when Lilah’s eyes squinted up with her own giggling, it was all over for Charlie.  She laughed harder than she could remember laughing in ages.  Maybe years. 

The mental picture of Tony’s face when he identified what that shiny little bauble was… 

Every time she thought about it, a whole new fit of laughter started, which set Lilah off again, which triggered another round for Charlie.

“Aahahaha!  I… I… sooooo want to see… the look…  Aahahaha!  OhmyGod.”  She couldn’t even get the words out.  Gasping for breath, she tucked an elbow into her stitched side and wiped at the tears of glee that wouldn’t stop running.  “Please tell me you’re going to do this at my house in front of the family.”

Sniffling and wiping at her own eyes, Lilah said, “Naw.  I couldn’t do that to him in front of his parents, but the love of my life will get to know holiday herpes up close and personal.  He’ll be pickin’ glitter out of his short ‘n’ curlies ‘til Valentine’s Day.”

That started both of them giggling all over again. 

Charlie was glad she hadn’t bailed on the trip out to Jersey.  A couple of hours with this crazy woman was just what the doctor ordered, and she was compelled to say it out loud. 

“Lilah Bongiovi, you are the cure for a host of evils.  There’s nobody like you in the world.  I’m grateful for you, my friend.”

“Aww.”  A slender hand came out to pat Charlie’s cheek while the other one reclaimed the little box.  “I’m grateful for you, too, but I’d be even more grateful if you tell me what’s got a tough Brooklyn girl spittin’ sweet sentiments.  If I didn’t already suspect somethin’ was hinky, that would give it away.  ‘Fess up, girl.” 

It was so tempting.  Lilah’s country charm and perception had a way of making complicated things simple.  Maybe she’d be able to say things in such a way that it didn’t seem so tragic.  So horrifically life-altering. 

Jon first.  He’s your husband, and your husband gets told first. 

“It’s just frustration,” she sighed the half-truth.  “Last year, Christmas was such a huge deal.  I gave Jon four million dollars, he gave me two houses, forever and everything I needed to feel safe in them.  Finding an appropriate gift for him is bugging the hell out of me.”

“Well…”  Her friend fussed with the hair on a cute cloth doll.  “If I may be so bold, I’d like to point out that he tore up that check.  Therefore, you technically didn’t get him anything for Christmas last year.  Even socks are a step up from nothin’.” 

What was that thought Charlie just had about Lilah making complicated things simple?  It was more like a brutal reality check, but coming on the heels of hand-decorated sex aids, so there was no choice but to laugh.

“Keepin’ it real, huh, Lilah?”

A slight shoulder lifted as scissors snipped a frayed end on the doll hair.  “Facts are facts.  I really don’t understand what the big deal is.  He’s just a guy, which you know as well as anybody does.  As long as I’ve been part of the family, he’s never been into big and expensive gifts.  Supposedly, that got old a couple decades ago.  Whatever you get him, he’s gonna love.”

“Says the woman who gifted him what he calls ‘the ugliest fucking sweater ever made’,” Charlie scoffed. 

Lilah gave her a slow and knowing grin.  “Yeah, well.  That was on purpose.  He was still bein’ dicky to me at that point.  I say go with a little gift.  A thoughtful one will mean more to him than a new car, another damn guitar or a jewel encrusted toilet.”

“Uh.  Jewel-encrusted toilet?”

Charlie’s lifted eyebrow was met with another careless shrug as Lilah poked around in a small container of beads, presumably searching for doll eyes. 

“Read it someplace.  Can’t remember where, but my mind associates it with Elvis.  Then again, could be that it was gold plated and not jeweled.  Seems like jeweled would be awful hard to keep clean.”

All of that was delivered as effortlessly and casually as her name and telephone number, and Charlie was again left marveling at the eccentricity of her sister-in-law.  It was no wonder she drove Jon crazy.  He prided himself on being able to comprehend a wide range of topics, from politics to the arts and most points in between.  Lilah Bongiovi was the epitome of incomprehensible with her bejeweled toilets, cock rings and… rag dolls with one blue eye and one green.

“You’re certifiably insane, you know that?”

“It’s been mentioned a time a or two,” came the unconcerned reply as she studied the placement of the beads on the doll’s face.  “I’m aware my clock don’t tick quite the same as most folks, but I choose to see it as part of my charm.  Don’t go screwin’ with the vision.”

Satisfied with her project, she turned to tuck it into a tall box behind her.  It was apparently the stash of finished projects, and when she turned back around, it was to scan the chaos on the table. 

What she sought, Charlie had no idea, but Lilah pilfered through this and that while reminding, “The man is sentimental as hell, Charlie.  Give him some family photos, and he’s happy as a pig in slop.  Little gifts are the best.”

That sounded like an easy enough fix to the gift dilemma – on the surface.  Beneath the surface, it wasn’t quite that simple, because little gifts weren’t always the best.  Charlie was living testimony to that this year and was so engrossed in watching Lilah scavenge through feathers, glitter tape and marabou that she made the mistake of saying it aloud.

“I’m getting a little gift I’d rather not, and it makes family pictures complicated.”

Lilah’s hands went still, and an aquamarine gaze snapped to Charlie’s, glowing with eerie awareness.  If this was a scripted movie, there would’ve been sound effects to accompany the invisible antennae going upon the woman’s head.  Lilah had just fully tuned in those psychic powers – and Charlie’s fear for the day was realized.

“Huh,” the quirky Kentuckian drawled.  “Guess that explains why you’re so tired.  Looks like me and Tony aren’t the only ones havin’ a homemade Christmas.”